C'mon now let me feel the gross out

wejtoiwejtoweijtoewijte.

grah.

No, I wanna wait for someone like you to make my life so dynomite.

I really just want to ask Jon if I should just give up on him completely.

Though I also want to know if he wants me to give up on him completely. Which are two different things.

I already know that someone is going to start trying for me now, despite my warnings to him about how I am right now.

I feel like shit shit shit.

I kind of hate Jon for this, but of course I don't hate him.

I can't hate him.

BUT I DO SO MUCH.

But I love him to fucking death.

And no matter what I want to at least be his friend no matter how painful it is.

Because I'm pathetic.

The sad thing is he already said to me that he is busy the next three weekends which means I won't see him in all likelihood for over three weeks, but I still feel like this.

I'm still confused.

I'm an idiot.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

I drove past his house today. I don`t know what I was expecting. Obviously he wasn`t going to be there-he doesn`t live there. I think I really just wanted to go inside and visit his family. Instead I caught a split second glimpse of his mom sitting at the table and I went to a parking lot and cried. I`m steadily writing on all the bathroom stalls. I wish I could ask my parents to start me in therapy.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

Cassie wanted to read the Post Secret books in the book store today.

So I read through one.

It took forever, and it made me really sad.

I just kept thinking about things I wanted to say to people, and about how I could really use one of those secret things that I used to have with Andrea and others.

Except I'm not sure if I want to do it with other people, or by myself.

I keep doing stuff with people lately, but sometimes I feel like a lot of time I kind of want to be by myself.

After I dropped off Cassie I rode around listening to Arcade Fire and singing really loudly.

I would say it made me happy but that really isn't quite the right word.

All those times that I tell you that you are being stupid, or that I wouldn't like it or whatever. When I'm putting stuff down.

I'm sorry.

I would love you either way. It's true.

I may not like something, but I don't mind at all. I just want you to be happy.

Though, I also want you to be safe which is sometimes why I get like that.

But really.

Plus sometimes I'm just jealous because I wish I did something like that.

I thought of you so much today.

Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros came on the radio.

I wanted to talk to you so bad. I listened to the lyrics really hard and it made me think of you even more than just the fact of who it was did.

I thought of you at Value World.

I thought of you as I read Post Secret.

I thought of you all over the place.

I miss you so much.

I wrote it on the bathroom wall.

If the children don't grow up...

Chelsea makes my life happy.

Then again, I think she makes a lot of peoples lives happy.

Or at least, those who still like her.

Sometimes I wonder if she would be happier not having to make other peoples lives happy.

I love you Chelsea.

I find myself realizing how cute everything was.

And how adorable everything was.

And how...it probably isn't worth it and how it probably is never going to happen.

And how I can't decide.

And how I know it doesn't matter because I don't think that I really have much of a choice.

I really don't think that it is up to me.

I think I need to learn how to give up and move on, because I think that everything may be winding down to a close.

I'll have to learn to accept that one.

I'm so needy.

I just want to talk right now.

Things need to keep moving forward right?

That is life.

Moving forward.

I'm feeling pretty stagnant.

If anything, I'm reversing.

I feel like I'm slipping back into last years habits.

But wait...I already talked about this didn't I?

I'm never moving.

I feel really bad for the people around me.

I sound like such a broken record.

I just want to talk to more and more people.

I just want to tell more and more people how I feel.

I'm so in need of attention it's sickening.

It really is.

Lalita, don't you hate these kisses?

I'm feeling pretty calm right now. I know that there are a lot of problems going on in my life right now, and I know that I have a lot I have to figure out, but right now I feel fine.

It's...nice.

I have my license, and it's pretty dandy. I like being able to take myself where I want. I feel like a have many more opportunities to have a life now. It's pretty exciting.

My Dad keeps asking me if I'm interested in any boys. I wish he'd shut up. It's such a dumb question.

I need to get back into the habit of doing my homework on time and during a reasonable hour of the day/night. I'm slipping back into last years system, and that isn't going to work.

Anime/Asian Pop! club was awesome. Twenty-five people showed up. I can only hope that as many people show up next week.

On the other hand, I seriously hope that my mom forgets to give me the letter of reccomendation that Beverly wrote tomorrow. I don't want to be in NHS. I just don't. Maybe I'll be in it senior year, but this year? I just don't want to be. I'm doing enough. I don't want to do more. My schoolwork will suffer. It's sad, but true. That or I'll crack. I don't want either to occur.

I'm confused...

I wish I knew what you were thinking.