Hear the soldier groan, "we'll go at it alone"

The show goes up soon. We have another live on set day on Saturday. I'm half excited and half dreading it. It was a really amazing experience, but also some of the worst hours of my life. It was so incredibly intense, and far too real (Tet, anyone?). I moved my plans around to go to it, though. So I'm going.

They better feed us, I'll be there from 12-8. Techies even longer, I'm sure. I feel bad for them. :/

Things are pretty decent lately. I feel like there is an undertone of something else going on, but overall...?

Pretty much positive.

It is such a change, let's be honest. Ha.

I hope you guys all come to the show. I know I only have 10 lines but it really would mean a lot to me. No one came last year, even when I had a leading role and it was FREE.

That kind of upsets me.

Dance, dance, dance, `til your dead.

Youmacon was so wicked awesome.

I met so many cool people, several of which I am in contact with now which makes me very happy.

I have to go to rehearsal in a few. It`s my day off. :[

Ah well. I`m really happy these past few days. I can`t forsee it faltering any time soon. :]

yay!

C'mon now let me feel the gross out

wejtoiwejtoweijtoewijte.

grah.

No, I wanna wait for someone like you to make my life so dynomite.

I really just want to ask Jon if I should just give up on him completely.

Though I also want to know if he wants me to give up on him completely. Which are two different things.

I already know that someone is going to start trying for me now, despite my warnings to him about how I am right now.

I feel like shit shit shit.

I kind of hate Jon for this, but of course I don't hate him.

I can't hate him.

BUT I DO SO MUCH.

But I love him to fucking death.

And no matter what I want to at least be his friend no matter how painful it is.

Because I'm pathetic.

The sad thing is he already said to me that he is busy the next three weekends which means I won't see him in all likelihood for over three weeks, but I still feel like this.

I'm still confused.

I'm an idiot.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

I drove past his house today. I don`t know what I was expecting. Obviously he wasn`t going to be there-he doesn`t live there. I think I really just wanted to go inside and visit his family. Instead I caught a split second glimpse of his mom sitting at the table and I went to a parking lot and cried. I`m steadily writing on all the bathroom stalls. I wish I could ask my parents to start me in therapy.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

Cassie wanted to read the Post Secret books in the book store today.

So I read through one.

It took forever, and it made me really sad.

I just kept thinking about things I wanted to say to people, and about how I could really use one of those secret things that I used to have with Andrea and others.

Except I'm not sure if I want to do it with other people, or by myself.

I keep doing stuff with people lately, but sometimes I feel like a lot of time I kind of want to be by myself.

After I dropped off Cassie I rode around listening to Arcade Fire and singing really loudly.

I would say it made me happy but that really isn't quite the right word.

All those times that I tell you that you are being stupid, or that I wouldn't like it or whatever. When I'm putting stuff down.

I'm sorry.

I would love you either way. It's true.

I may not like something, but I don't mind at all. I just want you to be happy.

Though, I also want you to be safe which is sometimes why I get like that.

But really.

Plus sometimes I'm just jealous because I wish I did something like that.

I thought of you so much today.

Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros came on the radio.

I wanted to talk to you so bad. I listened to the lyrics really hard and it made me think of you even more than just the fact of who it was did.

I thought of you at Value World.

I thought of you as I read Post Secret.

I thought of you all over the place.

I miss you so much.

I wrote it on the bathroom wall.

If the children don't grow up...

Chelsea makes my life happy.

Then again, I think she makes a lot of peoples lives happy.

Or at least, those who still like her.

Sometimes I wonder if she would be happier not having to make other peoples lives happy.

I love you Chelsea.

I find myself realizing how cute everything was.

And how adorable everything was.

And how...it probably isn't worth it and how it probably is never going to happen.

And how I can't decide.

And how I know it doesn't matter because I don't think that I really have much of a choice.

I really don't think that it is up to me.

I think I need to learn how to give up and move on, because I think that everything may be winding down to a close.

I'll have to learn to accept that one.

I'm so needy.

I just want to talk right now.

Things need to keep moving forward right?

That is life.

Moving forward.

I'm feeling pretty stagnant.

If anything, I'm reversing.

I feel like I'm slipping back into last years habits.

But wait...I already talked about this didn't I?

I'm never moving.

I feel really bad for the people around me.

I sound like such a broken record.

I just want to talk to more and more people.

I just want to tell more and more people how I feel.

I'm so in need of attention it's sickening.

It really is.